Sometimes...

I want to write, but I can't think of anything to say, so I decide to just ramble about things. I think that for a while, this little space of the internet was generating a little bit of traffic, so it made me feel like I always had to have something profound and meaningful to say. But you know what? This is my little space, and 97% of the time I'm not meaningful or profound, so there's that.

I get stuck in a trend, like wearing my hair in a sock bun, and I want to repeat it day after day after day... even when my husband begs me to stop. Can't stop. Won't stop.

I wish that Modern Family was on 24/7, because it seriously tickles me. I laugh an obnoxious amount while watching it. The obvious solution would be to just buy the seasons, but I can never justify spending the money. Anyone want to get me a belated birthday present?

I forget how great it is to just get away for a weekend. This past weekend our brother-in-law had his ordination ceremony up in Newport News (Virginia Beach), so we headed up there. Even though we were only gone from the house for one night, it felt so special to be away from the everyday routine of our lives. We had a delicious dinner, with even better company. And the next day we bore witness to a really beautiful ceremony. On the way home we belted out Eric Church to the top of our lungs. All in all, a pretty perfect weekend in our books.

I forget how important it is to spend time really interacting with God - seeking him. Life feels like it gets so busy, and somehow that always seems to be the thing that falls the wayside. It only takes a few days though for me to realize just how important it truly is - how much better my heart, mind, body, and soul feel whenever I spend time with the Creator. Today while walking the dogs, I was listening to a Casting Crowns song - Just Be Held - on repeat, and I could just feel my heart reaching out for Him, and I could feel his arms around me. It was a beautiful moment, and reminder that He loves when we find creative ways to spend time with Him. While sitting down and reading His word is important, sometimes He comes to us in different ways, if only we're open to Him.

I start thinking about how I started this blog to chronicle my newlywed life, and in all reality it's become a sounding board for my grief. I needed that sounding board though. A place to come and write my feelings whenever talking just seemed to hard. I'm going to try and make a concerted effort to start writing more about our lives now - and not the past or where I hope the future takes us. While I'm sure that will still come up, I have to learn to start living in the now. So that starts now.

I still get sad when I think about the grief I've felt over the past year. I wonder if it's normal to still cry and get upset over something that happened a year ago. To miss someone that I never even got to meet.

I forget how much I love sitting outside on summer evenings. Enjoying a glass of wine and a good book while watching the sun set over the fence. Two pretty adorable pups hovering around me... okay, Sadie is usually torturing the neighbors German Shepherd through the fence, but it's whatever.

I get really caught up in a show on Netflix and watch every season in less than a week. I'm looking at you Scandal... and Orange is the New Black. And about 10 other shows, but I realize how pathetic this makes me look.

I get really nervous when I think about going back to school in a few months. I haven't taken any classes in about two years - since Sam joined the Corps. I decided to marry and follow him, so my education took a back seat. But now we're settled in our house, and I it's time to focus on me for a while. While it's exciting to get back in the swing of things, I'm worried I've been out too long. And that I'm going to be the oldest one in my classes.

I still can't believe that we OWN our house. That's crazy talk.

I am really overwhelmed by how good I really have it. I have a beautiful home, that I share with my amazing husband who works incredibly hard to provide us with a wonderful life. I have two dogs who I absolutely adore and can't imagine life without. We surrounded by great neighbors. I've made friendships down here that I know are going to last my entire life. We found a church that is filled with such a sweet spirit. I'm starting school, and our lives are just so on track that it's a little unnerving. And also, I only live about 20-25 minutes

from the beach, so slap me if I ever complain.

praying for rain

Sometimes I think it's so easy to feel like God has forgotten about us. That we're down here on this earth, and he forgets to check in on us. We cry out for help, answers, healing, comfort, for peace - but we're left sitting in closets crying, feeling just as helpless as when we started.

I know it sounds strange, but I promise in those moments of my deepest despair, when the sorrow feels like it may swallow me whole, I feel closer to my God then than I ever do whenever I'm on top of the mountain.

The farther away God seems, the more my soul cries out and longs for him.
The farther my heart reaches for his touch.

I try so hard to find beauty not only in the happy times, but in the saddest and loneliest times of our lives. I believe that God created all of our emotions - every single one, not just the happy ones. Why do you think a good long cry can feel so good? Some of my hearts most bountiful seasons and profound moments of clarity have come from my deepest sorrow - from my lowest points. I see and feel God so much more there than any other time.

Don't get me wrong - my life is not some horrible black hole, and I'm not laying in bed every day crying over it. I have a pretty great life. We bought our first house, and have a new puppy to love on. Not to mention, my husband finally comes home to me every single night.

And when I find myself crying and upset, I instantly feel like a terrible person, because I know that people would kill to live the life that I currently have. Believe me, I appreciate that and do not take that for granted. However, I'm also a firm believer that just because someone has it worse than you, does not discount your pain.

While my life is so much more than I could have ever hoped for or imagined, sometimes I still feel like we're missing something - and that something feels like it may never happen. But like Sam tells me all the time: we've built our ark, now we're just waiting on the rain.

But let me tell you,
waiting on the rain sometimes is the hardest part.

Building the ark is easy once you decide it's what you need to do. You lay the boards, nail them down, and double check that you're ready. But sometimes, just because you're completely ready for whatever God has coming, doesn't mean that he is. And sometimes, when waiting for rain seems to turn into a drought, it dries up every thing around us. Here you are standing inside this ark, and you're getting more and more pissed every single day that it doesn't rain.

That drought seems to affect every single area of your life.
The kicker though?
God's timing is SO much better. He knows when the perfect time to send the rain is. And just  because I'm ready for rain, doesn't mean that He is. It's a hard pill to swallow - and if we're being completely honest, I'm still choking on it.

It's easy when I sit in church on Sunday to say, "Yes, God. I trust in you and your timing. Your will be done." But when I'm out in the world - both figuratively and literally - suddenly that's not so easy anymore.

This past Sunday my heart felt like it was broken into a hundred pieces. But when I closed my eyes, and let the pain settle, I felt my heart reach for a God who understands. And suddenly while I was singing, How Great Is Our God - I found my heart fervently agreeing with my lips. The pain subsided for a minute. Now, I just have to extend that to my every day life.

My God is great, even when my circumstance is not.
My God is great, even when my heart is broken.
My God is great, even when I don't understand his plan.
My God is great.

Everyday I'm going to pray for patience in His timing. I mean, the One who created the universe, and set everything into motion holds my heart in his hands. He knows what I need. And whenever the time is right, he'll send the rain - sweet grace like rain.

I feel like I don't know much right now,
but I know one thing for sure,
when it rains
my ark will be ready.

i remember

today is a day that i'm supposed to stop and remember what i lost.
if only it were that simple. because it seems to me, that i remember every day - that i couldn't forget it if i tried.

but today people all over the world are stopping and lighting candles, sending up prayers, saying thanks, and crying tears of grief.
today the world stopped for a few minutes in remembrance of you.
how powerful that is.

it's easy to feel alone.
to feel as if no one else understands - oh, but they do.

i wish no one understood. i wish no one ever had to feel this pain - this hurt deep inside.
a dull ache to remind me of what i had.
a reminder of what i don't yet have.

sweet baby, you were all i ever wanted. please know, that every day that passes i think about the person that you would've been. i know one day that i will see your face - and somehow i know deep inside, that you'll be looking at me with that same smirk that your dad gives me.
that smirk that melts my heart.

i know you're at the feet of Jesus. i know there's no place on earth that could possibly compare - even though selfishly sometimes i would trade anything to have you here with me. you're in the best place that you could possibly be - and as a momma, isn't that what we always want for our children? to be healthy. never sad. always young, beautiful, and happy. you have that, my sweet, and i could never dream of taking that away from you.

you are so precious to me. i love you.
He is holding you tight for me until i get there.

Prologue

So, once again, this little blog has gotten pushed to the back burner. Because when real life hits, sometimes it hits hard and fast, and you just need a few minutes to take a breather. To let it all register. Try and find a good foothold, so that maybe the next time it won't knock you down as hard.

I don't think I've found that foothold yet.
But I'm trying.
And that's half of the battle anyway.

I've thought of so many posts that I wanted to write. Maybe something about being "home" - or better yet, what home is. Once again, I'm trying to be a runner-girl so I tried to get something going about that. A post about Maggie, because let's get real, girlfriend is basically my favorite thing on the entire planet.

But none of those felt right.
Too forced.

Tonight while I was being trying to be a runner-girl, I got to thinking about this blog. What it has meant to me - how it has helped me. There are all kinds of blogs out there: fashion, lifestyle, mommy, diy, food - you name it. And as much as I would love to belong to several of those different titles, I'm not sure I fit.

I don't write as often as I should. I originally thought that I would write at least every other day, just about my everyday life. I thought I would want to capture every detail. But you see, I've been too busy off living those details to bother putting them down - and isn't that way better anyway?

As it is, this blog has collected the big stuff.
The heavy stuff.

But there's a subtle theme that runs throughout.
A little ribbon that ties all of it together.
Something that I feel gets mentioned in every post.

You see, I want my kids to read these words. To see these lessons. To know my voice, without ever having to hear me speak. I want them to know that they're not alone, and that others have gone before them, and faced battles head on way before they were even here. I want them to know how much I love their Dad, and about our lives whenever we were starting out.

I want them to know how much they were wanted.
Loved. Needed. Cherished.
Long before they even came to be.

I want this blog to be a love letter to those who will come after me.

So years, from now, whenever my kids read these words, I hope they know, that even now I was planning, loving, and praying for them. I hope this may become as much as a lifeline for them as it has for me. 

And who knows, maybe one day they will sit down and write their stories out for their children.

What a legacy that would be to leave behind.

Neil Hilborn

"I want her back so bad - 
I leave the door unlocked. I leave the lights on."


It's hard sometimes to be moved. To let your soul be moved. To let your heart hurt.
Watch this video and think about the hurt.
Think about the beauty.
Think about all of us - just trying to find our way.
Trying to make sense of everything.

I pray I never lose the ability to be moved by others.

hindsight

I'm not really sure where this is going. I just want to write. I want to hear the clicking of the keys - a constant and steady rhythm that soothes me. Putting words to paper - or the equivalent of putting words to blog. Taking my thoughts and maybe going full circle with them.

Somewhere along the way I hope it all starts to make sense.
I'm not holding my breath though.

But for now there is a puppy asleep on my toes, obnoxious people buying homes on House Hunters, and my mind is racing.
sidenote: how are these 24 year olds affording $400,000 homes!? tell me your secret! If you are a 24 year old buying a huge house just know that I secretly hate you. Not really... but really.

Hindsight is 20/20.
And I suppose I should be thankful for that, but tonight I wish it would come so much sooner. I wish that I could see the good - because sometimes it's so easy to focus on the negative.

I get so downhearted when I think about this past year - I know that it won't always be this way. But tonight, I'm lonely - I've been lonely for almost a year now. I think it's easy to glamorize someone's life, and when I post pictures of dress blues, fun adventures, and small little places of beach paradise, it's easy for you to think that I'm living some sort of fairytale - and sometimes I convince myself of the same thing. Somedays I need that. I need that glamour, and idealization.

But in reality? I married my husband in January and haven't spent the night with him in over 8 months. We were together for two weeks before he left again. He left for bootcamp in October of 2012, so that makes almost a year since we've lived together - woken up together. I haven't been on a date with him since the end of January. We have to have a liberty buddy accompany us everywhere we go, even in the apartment - so we have had no alone time since January. None. And the day I found out I miscarried, he wasn't even allowed off base to be with me.

How's that for newlywed life?
Still jealous?

Over the past week Sam and I have been talking about the days when we were so poor, that literally all we had was each other. Sometimes we couldn't even pay the electric bill - we ended up in front of our fireplace cuddling and eating a ton of marshmallows for a few days. We didn't have cable - or even internet for a while. And we thought it was so terrible. I remember complaining. I remember wanting more. I remember crying all the time.

But then - then there is hindsight.

Once we were so far removed from that situation, I can look back now and see it all so clearly. What I wouldn't give to go back to then. Because we didn't have a lot of material things - but boy, did we have so much love. It was enough to keep us warm on cold nights, and entertained on long weekends. We didn't have much - but we had more than enough. We talk about how much we long to go back to those days. To simply be together.

Oh, hindsight.

I like to think of hindsight as coming full circle. Being able to see your blessing. Because isn't that what we're really doing whenever we reflect back on our lives? We're able to clearly see the blessings that have been given to us throughout the years, that we were so quick to take for granted.

But we get in such a hurry - at least I do.

I'm lonely right now. Life is hard. We've been thrown some serious curve balls, and been down in some rough valleys as of late, and I just want to see my blessing. I want to be able to look at it clearly and say, "I see it now. I see why this time in my life was so great. What I wouldn't go back to relive it and do it better - appreciate it more."

But that's not how it works.

Because faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. And if there is one thing that hindsight has taught me, one thing I can see clearly with my 20/20 vision - I'm going to hold on to those things unseen, because one day they will be made clear. One day I will be able to see what I had faith was there all along.

We will be able to see our blessings.

Hindsight will come around one day. 

I just hope it's tomorrow. 

Probably not. But you can't blame a girl for dreaming.

In hindsight this picture will probably be really embarrassing.
But tonight I don't care, and it makes me giggle.
Kisses- K

ghost hunting

Last week we reserved tickets to go ghost hunting. Apparently the Pensacola lighthouse is one of the top 10 most haunted places and/or lighthouses (we were unclear as to which) in the US.

Obviously we had to go.

After three weeks of trying and them continually being sold out, we decided to book our tickets a week in advance. For most, this seems like the obvious solution. In the Marine Corps if you try to plan anything more than a day in advance, it's like you're begging for something to go wrong. We all held our breath all week, and twice it looked like it was all going to fall apart (goodbye dolla dolla bills y'all), but thankfully it all came together - thank you Jesus.

This has no bearing to the story, I just wanted to use this picture.
He makes cute faces.

So after a long day of go-karts and mini golf, we set off to finally go catch some ghosts.

Pensacola Lighthouse.

Honestly, it was pretty cool - historically speaking. The stories were interesting, the atmosphere was appropriately creepy, and the walk up the 9475480 stairs was worth it to see the view from the top.... well until I realized that it wasn't encased and I had a mild panic attack - but we'll just pretend that never happened.

However, at the end of it all, Sam and I decided that we were definitely skeptics. Everyone else was so certain that they felt "touched" or something, but both times we chalked it up to being a head game. 

While I was sitting outside looking at the lighthouse, I started thinking about the whole "ghost hunting" experience, and I realized why I just couldn't buy into any of it:

I've never had to look for ghosts - they're very present in my everyday life.

No, I'm not about to get all "I see dead people" on you, nothing like that. But there are days that I feel haunted for sure - by memories, by loss, by anxiety, by depression. These ghosts of mine are all too real - and I don't need an electromagnetic device to tell me so.

It seems impossible to be scared of anything these days, after what all I've been through. Seems silly to go ghost hunting, because I think that our "ghosts" are never really hiding. They're always there. Ready to come out whenever you are vulnerable - or maybe have forgotten about them for just a second.

Tonight I forgot for a split second about the heartache and pain that have consumed a lot of my life the past several weeks. I was having a good time with my husband and our friends - I almost felt normal again. No sooner did it happen though, then someone said, "So when are you all thinking of having a baby? You'd have the cutest babies." Cue the anxiety attack that was waiting just below the surface.

Oh, there you are.

While everyone else was trying to catch ghosts, I was trying desperately to run away from mine. 

Tonight my heart is heavy. My mind is restless. 

I don't want to be haunted anymore.