ghost hunting

Last week we reserved tickets to go ghost hunting. Apparently the Pensacola lighthouse is one of the top 10 most haunted places and/or lighthouses (we were unclear as to which) in the US.

Obviously we had to go.

After three weeks of trying and them continually being sold out, we decided to book our tickets a week in advance. For most, this seems like the obvious solution. In the Marine Corps if you try to plan anything more than a day in advance, it's like you're begging for something to go wrong. We all held our breath all week, and twice it looked like it was all going to fall apart (goodbye dolla dolla bills y'all), but thankfully it all came together - thank you Jesus.

This has no bearing to the story, I just wanted to use this picture.
He makes cute faces.

So after a long day of go-karts and mini golf, we set off to finally go catch some ghosts.

Pensacola Lighthouse.

Honestly, it was pretty cool - historically speaking. The stories were interesting, the atmosphere was appropriately creepy, and the walk up the 9475480 stairs was worth it to see the view from the top.... well until I realized that it wasn't encased and I had a mild panic attack - but we'll just pretend that never happened.

However, at the end of it all, Sam and I decided that we were definitely skeptics. Everyone else was so certain that they felt "touched" or something, but both times we chalked it up to being a head game. 

While I was sitting outside looking at the lighthouse, I started thinking about the whole "ghost hunting" experience, and I realized why I just couldn't buy into any of it:

I've never had to look for ghosts - they're very present in my everyday life.

No, I'm not about to get all "I see dead people" on you, nothing like that. But there are days that I feel haunted for sure - by memories, by loss, by anxiety, by depression. These ghosts of mine are all too real - and I don't need an electromagnetic device to tell me so.

It seems impossible to be scared of anything these days, after what all I've been through. Seems silly to go ghost hunting, because I think that our "ghosts" are never really hiding. They're always there. Ready to come out whenever you are vulnerable - or maybe have forgotten about them for just a second.

Tonight I forgot for a split second about the heartache and pain that have consumed a lot of my life the past several weeks. I was having a good time with my husband and our friends - I almost felt normal again. No sooner did it happen though, then someone said, "So when are you all thinking of having a baby? You'd have the cutest babies." Cue the anxiety attack that was waiting just below the surface.

Oh, there you are.

While everyone else was trying to catch ghosts, I was trying desperately to run away from mine. 

Tonight my heart is heavy. My mind is restless. 

I don't want to be haunted anymore.