Somewhere along the way I hope it all starts to make sense.
I'm not holding my breath though.
But for now there is a puppy asleep on my toes, obnoxious people buying homes on House Hunters, and my mind is racing.
sidenote: how are these 24 year olds affording $400,000 homes!? tell me your secret!
Hindsight is 20/20.
And I suppose I should be thankful for that, but tonight I wish it would come so much sooner. I wish that I could see the good - because sometimes it's so easy to focus on the negative.
I get so downhearted when I think about this past year - I know that it won't always be this way. But tonight, I'm lonely - I've been lonely for almost a year now. I think it's easy to glamorize someone's life, and when I post pictures of dress blues, fun adventures, and small little places of beach paradise, it's easy for you to think that I'm living some sort of fairytale - and sometimes I convince myself of the same thing. Somedays I need that. I need that glamour, and idealization.
But in reality? I married my husband in January and haven't spent the night with him in over 8 months. We were together for two weeks before he left again. He left for bootcamp in October of 2012, so that makes almost a year since we've lived together - woken up together. I haven't been on a date with him since the end of January. We have to have a liberty buddy accompany us everywhere we go, even in the apartment - so we have had no alone time since January. None. And the day I found out I miscarried, he wasn't even allowed off base to be with me.
How's that for newlywed life?
Still jealous?
Over the past week Sam and I have been talking about the days when we were so poor, that literally all we had was each other. Sometimes we couldn't even pay the electric bill - we ended up in front of our fireplace cuddling and eating a ton of marshmallows for a few days. We didn't have cable - or even internet for a while. And we thought it was so terrible. I remember complaining. I remember wanting more. I remember crying all the time.
But then - then there is hindsight.
Once we were so far removed from that situation, I can look back now and see it all so clearly. What I wouldn't give to go back to then. Because we didn't have a lot of material things - but boy, did we have so much love. It was enough to keep us warm on cold nights, and entertained on long weekends. We didn't have much - but we had more than enough. We talk about how much we long to go back to those days. To simply be together.
Oh, hindsight.
I like to think of hindsight as coming full circle. Being able to see your blessing. Because isn't that what we're really doing whenever we reflect back on our lives? We're able to clearly see the blessings that have been given to us throughout the years, that we were so quick to take for granted.
But we get in such a hurry - at least I do.
I'm lonely right now. Life is hard. We've been thrown some serious curve balls, and been down in some rough valleys as of late, and I just want to see my blessing. I want to be able to look at it clearly and say, "I see it now. I see why this time in my life was so great. What I wouldn't go back to relive it and do it better - appreciate it more."
But that's not how it works.
Because faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. And if there is one thing that hindsight has taught me, one thing I can see clearly with my 20/20 vision - I'm going to hold on to those things unseen, because one day they will be made clear. One day I will be able to see what I had faith was there all along.
We will be able to see our blessings.
Hindsight will come around one day.
I just hope it's tomorrow.
Probably not. But you can't blame a girl for dreaming.
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| In hindsight this picture will probably be really embarrassing. But tonight I don't care, and it makes me giggle. Kisses- K |
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