the one that's hard to write

I've put this off for a bit. I knew that I needed to get it all off of my chest, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to let myself feel the feelings that I knew would invade by opening myself up. There were too many feelings, and I just needed to keep them at bay and deal with them bit by bit. But I feel like it's time that I let go - and that starts here.

On Monday, June 30, Sam and I experienced a miscarriage, and on July 1 that news was confirmed by a doctor.

That is the first time since that day that I have used the word miscarriage.
I couldn't bear it. Saying it out loud felt too real.
Too raw.

I think I knew that whole time on Sunday what was happening, but I just didn't want to let myself believe it to be true.
Because I want to be a mama... I want it so bad. So badly in fact, that I'm scared I want it too much. That it's not okay to want something so fiercely.

Growing up when people would ask me what I wanted to be whenever I "grow up" I could never come up with an answer - ever. Even when I was a senior in high school - even now. I remember being a freshman in high school and telling my Mom that all I ever really wanted to do was be a wife and a mama. Is that such a bad thing? It felt like people always looked down on me whenever I would be honest and say that...

"but you're so smart"
"but you need to be able to support yourself"
"you're setting back women's rights by 50 years"
"there's more to life than that"

I've heard them all. And you know what, I respect your opinion. I fully respect your right to do whatever you want in life - because I believe that's what Susan B Anthony wanted whenever she went up to bat for women's rights. You can do whatever you want to do, whether that be work for a huge cooperation, join the military, be secretary of state, or be a mama and a wife that stays at home. Neither of these choices are any less than the other - they're all amazing opportunities, but the most amazing thing of ours - it our CHOICE. No one is telling me what I have to do as a woman, I get to choose. And that's the basis of feminism - you choose what you get to do with your one life, and no one can tell you it's wrong.

But on Monday it felt like the choice was taken out of my hands. I felt broken - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When I heard the words being spoken for the first time, I felt like this choice had been taken out of my hands. I felt like I was falling, and I couldn't help myself up. My world had started to crash all around me, but no one else knew. Then the doctor said, "You'll probably have to have a D&C to get the rest of it out."

And that -
that was like taking a bullet.

Because of my personal beliefs, "it" was not some no named science experiment, "it" was my baby. They have to get the rest of my baby out of me.

Oh hey, rock bottom. Nice to see you there.

I was angry. I was angry every time I saw someone post about being pregnant. I was angry every time I saw someone else being happy. I was angry at myself, because I felt like I must have done something wrong. I was angry at my friends and family, because nothing they could say could make me hurt any less. I was angry at God, because he took away the one thing I wanted most in the world.

I was angry. And it was eating me alive.

One night I sat down on my bed and held the onesie that we had bought, and finally I started to let go. And do you know what God told me?

It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be mad at me. I understand. I understand your pain. Just please don't stop talking to me. Yell at me, cry at me, just please don't stop talking.

That was my turning point. That's when I finally realized, I'm not in this alone. When I looked at Sam and said I didn't understand, He did. He understands, and I have to have faith that He would never do anything to hurt me - His plans far exceed what I could ever have envisioned. And when my heart is breaking, I choose to believe that His heart breaks as well - my tears are His tears.

Monday night I told my mom and Sam that I didn't want anyone to know. I wanted to keep my pain centralized. I didn't trust anyone enough to be able to handle me at my worst. I begged them not to tell anyone.

The other night while I sat on the bed and prayed, I came to a realization.

My God is not a God of fear.
But more importantly -

My God is not a God of PRIDE.

I said it. Threw down the gauntlet.
I was being prideful.

I didn't want anyone to know that my heart was broken. I didn't want anyone to know that I could barely make myself get out of bed. I didn't want you to know that for a few days I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I didn't want you to know that in five minutes, it felt like my world caved in.

I didn't want anyone to know that my life was anything less than perfect. I wanted to keep up this charade that portrayed the way I thought my life should look. But life is messy. And more often than not it never goes the way it's supposed to.

So here I am, laying it all out on the line. I'm laying down my pride, and admitting that I can't do this by myself. I can't keep pretending that I'm okay, when in reality I can't even see "okay" at the end of this tunnel.

Sam and I lost a baby last Monday.
And it's terrible, and heartbreaking, and sometimes I still feel like it's not fair.
But at rock bottom, I found a peace and trust in my God that I never had before.

I know that the hurting isn't over. I'll probably always wonder and think about this little person that I never even got to meet. And I don't think I'll ever know why this happened. But the outpouring of love that I've received from people this week - that's what I'm going to choose to focus on right now. Because my life is so full of love - and people that are willing to love me whenever I can't love myself.

So now, I'm going to go get ready and go to the beach with my friends. My friends who came down whenever I needed them most - and reminded me of just how good it feels to belly laugh until you cry. I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and trust that this isn't the end. God will use this somehow - and I can't wait to see what he has in store for us.

Please pray for us.

For better or for worse.
I've never loved this man more than I do right now.