Beautiful Sadness

We celebrated my uncle's 50th birthday this past week. His wife and kids threw together a little surprise party for him - including a video of his life. I stood up at the front of the church waiting for him to come in (mostly because I wanted to play with my new camera). While up there I started looking around at all of the people who had come to celebrate a life well lived. Different faces all representing stages of life that my uncle had lived, and lives that he had touched. When he walked in and registered what was going on the shock on his face was priceless - because how often do you get to see what an impact you had on people? How often in our lives do we stop and take stock of our lives and what we're leaving behind us as we walk our daily life?

The video started and the pictures started flying across the wall. I watched as I saw my uncle go from a young boy, to a teenager, continuing into a husband, father, and grandfather. While others laughed at the funny pictures, and some cried as the memories came flooding into view, I simply sat - lost in the story of a life. A life of ups and downs - a life full of living. And while I was sitting there, all I could think about was how badly I want that.

I want to live my life. I want to have memories that will keep me warm at night. Memories that will make me leave teardrops on my pillow - not out of sadness, but out of sheer thankfulness. I want to live a blessed life, that is a testament to my children and grandchildren. I want to live a humble life that inspires my neighbors and friends. I want to live a life full of an indescribably once in a lifetime love, that my husband will always know how important he is. I want to live a life where when I look back in 50 years, I know that I did it right. And when I go home at night there will be teardrops on my pillow from a beautiful sadness.

Because I know that some people don't get this chance. And I know that whenever you are given a chance to live that kind of life that it is overwhelming beautiful and sad all at the same time.

So tonight while I peruse through Pinterest, pinning things about my future children and future home, while I imagine what my life will be one day, and what our children will look like - I pray that I start to take time and be thankful for where I am now.

Because I can't get there, without being here first.

And I'm okay with that. 

Our lives are going to be amazing. And when I'm 50 I can't wait to be holding Sam's hand while our children sit in front of us, and take stock of this life that we created. "Look at what we did," I'll say. And he'll squeeze my hand like he always does. Words won't be necessary, because we'll just know. And we'll just sit and absorb the most beautiful sadness that this life has to offer. We'll be thankful for our lives and sad for those who aren't as fortunate.

Then we'll get up, and the moment will pass, and we'll go on.

"Grow old with me, the best is yet to be"

- Robert Browning