Sam & I have been talking all week. We’ve talked about the past and the future – about falling in love and staying in love. From the first time we met all the way up to our wedding day. The ups, downs, and those days in the middle where it seems nothing spectacular has happened - but how I love those days in the middle. All of this talking has led me to one conclusion…
I never want to forget.
I never want to forget how I felt the first time I saw him get out of his car, and the night we sat and talked for 8 hours, never running out of things to say. I never want to forget our first kiss, the nerves and excitement. I never want to forget moving to Lexington and getting my first taste of being on my own, independent. I never want to forget how absolutely terrible those months were when I had mono, and Sam took care of me night and day. I never want to forget the struggles of paying rent, bills, and groceries – and those times when all we had were each other. I never want to forget the pain I felt the day he left me for Parris Island, or the strength I discovered I had waiting just below the surface. The pride I felt watching him graduate, watching him become the man I always knew he could be. Seeing him walking toward me to hug me for the first time in months. Locking eyes with him as I walked down the aisle to become his bride. Sharing whispered I love you’s & pillow talk that lasted throughout the whole night and week to come. Times whenever the words seemed to come so fast that it seemed impossible to tell each other everything we needed to say, or the times whenever words were unnecessary.
I’ve struggled so hard with starting this blog. I’ve wondered what to say and how to say it. I’ve also struggled coming up with a name, so bear with me on that one. Where do I start, and where do I draw a line. What can I say that would be inspiring to some, but more importantly help to calm me as I enter this phase of my life.
I used to write all the time. It was a catharsis – MY catharsis. But time marched on, and somewhere along the way I lost this part of myself. I lost the ability to put words on paper and it somehow start to help everything make sense. But in the last week everything changed and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it and make sense of what my life is now going to consist of. So, here goes nothing.
The last week of my life has been the most amazing and overwhelming week of my life. Three long months of no contact, and then suddenly there he was in front of me. No longer the person that I had known and lived with for two years, but this man of purpose, and passion, and pride. I didn’t even recognize him at first. My heart was so full of love and admiration… I didn’t even know it was possible to be that enamored by someone. But one day later while walking up the aisle (okay, down a set of stairs and up three little baby ones) I realized it was. The love and pride I felt watching him graduate the day before had been surpassed by the sight of this man, this Marine, looking at me. The look in his eyes… I never want to forget. I never want to forget holding his hands and looking into his eyes and knowing with every core of my being that we were doing the right thing. The feeling that we were destined to stand in front of all of our friends and family and say our vows – but we had already made those vows a long time ago. Long before January 12, 2013 I had already promised to love this man in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, for richer and for poorer, for better or for worse. Not only that, but I had vowed to love him in presence and in absence.
That’s a vow that is all too present in our relationship currently, but we went into this life knowing that. Whenever Sam first left I thought that I may lose my mind – a piece of myself was missing and I had long since forgotten how to be without him. But one night I found a quote, and suddenly everything was in perspective again:
“Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.”
Our love is a bonfire. It consumes every single part of who I am. It’s a love that can keep me warm on the coldest of nights, whenever the absence seems all too prominent. It lights up my nights with the hundreds of memories that I so desperately do not want to forget, on those nights when the darkness tries to creep in. This love that I have is greater than anything I’ve ever known, and it will be our guide as we navigate this new part of our lives.
So, I suppose I still don’t know what the future holds, and I still don’t know what to say about anything. All I know is that I have to keep all of this down, because I just don’t want to forget. I want to always remember where we came from, and the excitement of not knowing where we’re going.
But most importantly, I never want to forget how completely and totally blessed I am to have been given the life I live, and the opportunities that have presented themselves throughout my life. I am blessed to have been given a family that has loved me through every aggravating and impossible stage of my life. I am so blessed to me married to an honorable man, who I manage to fall more in love with every single day – though I sometimes feel inadequate of the love he bestows. I am blessed… so completely and overwhelmingly blessed.
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