Sometimes I think it's so easy to feel like God has forgotten about us. That we're down here on this earth, and he forgets to check in on us. We cry out for help, answers, healing, comfort, for peace - but we're left sitting in closets crying, feeling just as helpless as when we started.
I know it sounds strange, but I promise in those moments of my deepest despair, when the sorrow feels like it may swallow me whole, I feel closer to my God then than I ever do whenever I'm on top of the mountain.
The farther away God seems, the more my soul cries out and longs for him.
The farther my heart reaches for his touch.
I try so hard to find beauty not only in the happy times, but in the saddest and loneliest times of our lives. I believe that God created all of our emotions - every single one, not just the happy ones. Why do you think a good long cry can feel so good? Some of my hearts most bountiful seasons and profound moments of clarity have come from my deepest sorrow - from my lowest points. I see and feel God so much more there than any other time.
Don't get me wrong - my life is not some horrible black hole, and I'm not laying in bed every day crying over it. I have a pretty great life. We bought our first house, and have a new puppy to love on. Not to mention, my husband finally comes home to me every single night.
And when I find myself crying and upset, I instantly feel like a terrible person, because I know that people would kill to live the life that I currently have. Believe me, I appreciate that and do not take that for granted. However, I'm also a firm believer that just because someone has it worse than you, does not discount your pain.
While my life is so much more than I could have ever hoped for or imagined, sometimes I still feel like we're missing something - and that something feels like it may never happen. But like Sam tells me all the time: we've built our ark, now we're just waiting on the rain.
But let me tell you,
waiting on the rain sometimes is the hardest part.
Building the ark is easy once you decide it's what you need to do. You lay the boards, nail them down, and double check that you're ready. But sometimes, just because you're completely ready for whatever God has coming, doesn't mean that he is. And sometimes, when waiting for rain seems to turn into a drought, it dries up every thing around us. Here you are standing inside this ark, and you're getting more and more pissed every single day that it doesn't rain.
That drought seems to affect every single area of your life.
The kicker though?
God's timing is SO much better. He knows when the perfect time to send the rain is. And just because I'm ready for rain, doesn't mean that He is. It's a hard pill to swallow - and if we're being completely honest, I'm still choking on it.
It's easy when I sit in church on Sunday to say, "Yes, God. I trust in you and your timing. Your will be done." But when I'm out in the world - both figuratively and literally - suddenly that's not so easy anymore.
This past Sunday my heart felt like it was broken into a hundred pieces. But when I closed my eyes, and let the pain settle, I felt my heart reach for a God who understands. And suddenly while I was singing, How Great Is Our God - I found my heart fervently agreeing with my lips. The pain subsided for a minute. Now, I just have to extend that to my every day life.
My God is great, even when my circumstance is not.
My God is great, even when my heart is broken.
My God is great, even when I don't understand his plan.
My God is great.
Everyday I'm going to pray for patience in His timing. I mean, the One who created the universe, and set everything into motion holds my heart in his hands. He knows what I need. And whenever the time is right, he'll send the rain - sweet grace like rain.
I feel like I don't know much right now,
but I know one thing for sure,
when it rains
my ark will be ready.
