Sometimes...

I want to write, but I can't think of anything to say, so I decide to just ramble about things. I think that for a while, this little space of the internet was generating a little bit of traffic, so it made me feel like I always had to have something profound and meaningful to say. But you know what? This is my little space, and 97% of the time I'm not meaningful or profound, so there's that.

I get stuck in a trend, like wearing my hair in a sock bun, and I want to repeat it day after day after day... even when my husband begs me to stop. Can't stop. Won't stop.

I wish that Modern Family was on 24/7, because it seriously tickles me. I laugh an obnoxious amount while watching it. The obvious solution would be to just buy the seasons, but I can never justify spending the money. Anyone want to get me a belated birthday present?

I forget how great it is to just get away for a weekend. This past weekend our brother-in-law had his ordination ceremony up in Newport News (Virginia Beach), so we headed up there. Even though we were only gone from the house for one night, it felt so special to be away from the everyday routine of our lives. We had a delicious dinner, with even better company. And the next day we bore witness to a really beautiful ceremony. On the way home we belted out Eric Church to the top of our lungs. All in all, a pretty perfect weekend in our books.

I forget how important it is to spend time really interacting with God - seeking him. Life feels like it gets so busy, and somehow that always seems to be the thing that falls the wayside. It only takes a few days though for me to realize just how important it truly is - how much better my heart, mind, body, and soul feel whenever I spend time with the Creator. Today while walking the dogs, I was listening to a Casting Crowns song - Just Be Held - on repeat, and I could just feel my heart reaching out for Him, and I could feel his arms around me. It was a beautiful moment, and reminder that He loves when we find creative ways to spend time with Him. While sitting down and reading His word is important, sometimes He comes to us in different ways, if only we're open to Him.

I start thinking about how I started this blog to chronicle my newlywed life, and in all reality it's become a sounding board for my grief. I needed that sounding board though. A place to come and write my feelings whenever talking just seemed to hard. I'm going to try and make a concerted effort to start writing more about our lives now - and not the past or where I hope the future takes us. While I'm sure that will still come up, I have to learn to start living in the now. So that starts now.

I still get sad when I think about the grief I've felt over the past year. I wonder if it's normal to still cry and get upset over something that happened a year ago. To miss someone that I never even got to meet.

I forget how much I love sitting outside on summer evenings. Enjoying a glass of wine and a good book while watching the sun set over the fence. Two pretty adorable pups hovering around me... okay, Sadie is usually torturing the neighbors German Shepherd through the fence, but it's whatever.

I get really caught up in a show on Netflix and watch every season in less than a week. I'm looking at you Scandal... and Orange is the New Black. And about 10 other shows, but I realize how pathetic this makes me look.

I get really nervous when I think about going back to school in a few months. I haven't taken any classes in about two years - since Sam joined the Corps. I decided to marry and follow him, so my education took a back seat. But now we're settled in our house, and I it's time to focus on me for a while. While it's exciting to get back in the swing of things, I'm worried I've been out too long. And that I'm going to be the oldest one in my classes.

I still can't believe that we OWN our house. That's crazy talk.

I am really overwhelmed by how good I really have it. I have a beautiful home, that I share with my amazing husband who works incredibly hard to provide us with a wonderful life. I have two dogs who I absolutely adore and can't imagine life without. We surrounded by great neighbors. I've made friendships down here that I know are going to last my entire life. We found a church that is filled with such a sweet spirit. I'm starting school, and our lives are just so on track that it's a little unnerving. And also, I only live about 20-25 minutes

from the beach, so slap me if I ever complain.

praying for rain

Sometimes I think it's so easy to feel like God has forgotten about us. That we're down here on this earth, and he forgets to check in on us. We cry out for help, answers, healing, comfort, for peace - but we're left sitting in closets crying, feeling just as helpless as when we started.

I know it sounds strange, but I promise in those moments of my deepest despair, when the sorrow feels like it may swallow me whole, I feel closer to my God then than I ever do whenever I'm on top of the mountain.

The farther away God seems, the more my soul cries out and longs for him.
The farther my heart reaches for his touch.

I try so hard to find beauty not only in the happy times, but in the saddest and loneliest times of our lives. I believe that God created all of our emotions - every single one, not just the happy ones. Why do you think a good long cry can feel so good? Some of my hearts most bountiful seasons and profound moments of clarity have come from my deepest sorrow - from my lowest points. I see and feel God so much more there than any other time.

Don't get me wrong - my life is not some horrible black hole, and I'm not laying in bed every day crying over it. I have a pretty great life. We bought our first house, and have a new puppy to love on. Not to mention, my husband finally comes home to me every single night.

And when I find myself crying and upset, I instantly feel like a terrible person, because I know that people would kill to live the life that I currently have. Believe me, I appreciate that and do not take that for granted. However, I'm also a firm believer that just because someone has it worse than you, does not discount your pain.

While my life is so much more than I could have ever hoped for or imagined, sometimes I still feel like we're missing something - and that something feels like it may never happen. But like Sam tells me all the time: we've built our ark, now we're just waiting on the rain.

But let me tell you,
waiting on the rain sometimes is the hardest part.

Building the ark is easy once you decide it's what you need to do. You lay the boards, nail them down, and double check that you're ready. But sometimes, just because you're completely ready for whatever God has coming, doesn't mean that he is. And sometimes, when waiting for rain seems to turn into a drought, it dries up every thing around us. Here you are standing inside this ark, and you're getting more and more pissed every single day that it doesn't rain.

That drought seems to affect every single area of your life.
The kicker though?
God's timing is SO much better. He knows when the perfect time to send the rain is. And just  because I'm ready for rain, doesn't mean that He is. It's a hard pill to swallow - and if we're being completely honest, I'm still choking on it.

It's easy when I sit in church on Sunday to say, "Yes, God. I trust in you and your timing. Your will be done." But when I'm out in the world - both figuratively and literally - suddenly that's not so easy anymore.

This past Sunday my heart felt like it was broken into a hundred pieces. But when I closed my eyes, and let the pain settle, I felt my heart reach for a God who understands. And suddenly while I was singing, How Great Is Our God - I found my heart fervently agreeing with my lips. The pain subsided for a minute. Now, I just have to extend that to my every day life.

My God is great, even when my circumstance is not.
My God is great, even when my heart is broken.
My God is great, even when I don't understand his plan.
My God is great.

Everyday I'm going to pray for patience in His timing. I mean, the One who created the universe, and set everything into motion holds my heart in his hands. He knows what I need. And whenever the time is right, he'll send the rain - sweet grace like rain.

I feel like I don't know much right now,
but I know one thing for sure,
when it rains
my ark will be ready.