In the past several months Sam left for MCT/ITB and graduated, and then left for Pensacola that same day, and he has pretty much held the computer hostage the entire time. I don't know if you've ever tried to type out anything on an IPad, but it's basically impossible. So, for the time being the blog was put on hold.
But in the past month we've made some drastic changes and decisions in our lives. I made the move down to Pensacola to be closer to him (and the computer), and maybe actually give this whole marriage thing an actual go. We made some personal decisions that were huge. There are talks of extending our stay in the Marine Corps. We have no idea where we'll be living in the next 3 months. And so many minor things that just compound upon each other.
This leads to so much excitement, stress, and I'm just going to be honest - fear.
Sometimes I feel like it makes me a lesser person to admit that I'm afraid. That every once in a while (and often it's happening more and more - thank you anxiety disorder) I feel completely overwhelmed with our lives. While it is exciting to think about what our lives will consist of in the next year, and I honestly can't wait to be there, sometimes I just need to go sit in the closet and cry... and sometimes I need to do this twice in one week.
Life is hard.
You're warned of this while you're growing up, but somehow all you see are the perks: dating boys, driving cars, moving away from home, college, parties, falling in love, having a "big person" job, starting a family, etc. So we're in such a rush to get to this perfect grown up world that we have envisioned for so long that we dive in headfirst, completely unaware to the consequences that come with all of this.
Growing up, I always wanted to be older. I think this had a lot to do with the fact that everyone always told me I acted older than I was. I was always so frustrated, and I didn't understand why if I acted and seemed older, I couldn't just jump ahead - get to the good stuff. It was a hard lesson to learn that nothing worth having comes easy. I had lived a charmed life - much more so than I realized. Real life hit me hard and fast when I moved to Lexington, and I have the medical bills and anxiety disorder to prove it.
Because you see, people had warned me that life was hard - but no one had warned me that it was overwhelming, fast hitting, and scary - and so many more adjectives that I'm sure everyone will think of.
But do you know what else life is?
It's beautiful.
The move to Pensacola, and leaving behind the life I was comfortable with, was so hard - but being near Sam, and getting to experience a weird Marine Corps version of married life, is oh so beautiful. Watching Maggie run and play in the waves is beautiful. Sitting on base, eating dinner, holding hands and talking about where our lives will be in a year, is beautiful. And sometimes, in the most vulnerable and honest ways, sitting in your closet while you cry, and whispering a prayer to the Almighty is beautiful.
So I guess at the end of the day, life is hard - and life in the Marine Corps can seem impossible. The changes and decisions we're making in our lives leave me terrified - but the thought of our future makes me so excited I can hardly contain it.
Our life is going to be so worth it - all of it.
All of the ups and downs, and fears and joys.
It's going to result in something so much more blessed and beautiful than I could ever imagine.
This blog is a way to chronicle our lives and help me sort out my thoughts. I don't promise it will always make sense, or even be worth reading. At the end of the day, all I want is for my daughter to look back and know that it's perfectly okay to be scared, and girlfriend you can sit in a closet and cry until the world feels a little more manageable - you won't be the first, and you certainly won't be the last. Just know that if you can look right beyond that fear and sadness, such goodness and beauty is waiting just below the surface - so close you can touch it... you just have to reach out and grab it.
